Sometimes when I recall my past, I couldn’t imagine how I managed to survive the hurdles in life. To begin with, I was a product of an illicit affair. My mother was widowed and, my father was separated from his wife when they met. Grandfather was against their relationship, he reprimanded my mother to break up with my father, but it didn’t help actually. Even before my grandfather wanted to separate them, my parents were on the brink of separation as my father was then a womanizer. Eventually, they parted ways when my mother was still pregnant with me.
Despite my grandparents’ disappointment on my mother’s scandalous relationship, still, they loved me and raised me as their own. I was their first grandchild, so I guess when I came out of this world, all of those frowns turned into delight. My mother didn’t love me as much as my grandparents. She despised me. I’ve never known a mother’s love. Sometimes, I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, she remembers my father every time she sees me. I grew up longing for her attention and affection.
Years after I was born, my mom married again for the second time. I was happy knowing that I will have a stepfather. However, when I experienced his advances, that happiness was shattered. There were several instances where I caught him peeking in my room and the bathroom. I told my mother about it, but she didn’t believe me. She trusted her husband more than her daughter. Well, I was not surprised about it, but I couldn’t avoid feeling hurt. I lived in a home void of love and a sense of security. Things got worse for me when they decided to adopt a child. I was not against it. When my adopted brother came, I could see their excitement. Oh, how my mother doted the boy. I felt like I was invisible when the boy appeared in the picture. I felt so alone in that house.
During my teenage years, I became rebellious to my mother to the point that I eloped with my boyfriend. We had two beautiful and adorable children. When I had my first child, our living condition was poor, very poor. We always eat ginamos (fermented fish) and rice. Eating corned beef was already a luxury for us. For my baby’s milk, we couldn’t afford to buy formula milk. I can only buy her the cheapest ordinary powdered milk, yet I had to economize and maximize it so that it will last until the next payday of my partner. How miserable our situation was!
After several months, I received a telegram from my cousin. The message broke my heart. It says that my dear grandfather has died. I needed to go back home. My boyfriend and I talked about our future. We have agreed that if my mother sends me back to college, then we have to part ways for good. We both knew that our relationship was doomed. The next day, I brought my children and went back to my hometown.
My mother was unhappy to see my condition. I asked for her forgiveness for the things that I have done. She somewhat accepted me, but of course, I couldn’t escape her reprimands. She scolded me terribly, but I had to take it. I felt so down, ashamed, and embarrassed of what I had become. It was on my grandfather’s wake that I realized my mistakes in life. But things couldn’t be undone. I conceded to their plea to end my relationship with my boyfriend because I figured that it was wrong. My hardships made me realize that I needed to make things right. I reckoned that it is never too late. I needed to move forward not just for my sake but most especially for my children.
My mother granted my request to continue my education. I became hopeful and was excited. Studying was quite a challenge because I had to leave my children to my mother’s care. But, every time I go to school, I was always feeling restless. My mother had vices. She was addicted to gambling—mahjong. She frequently goes out and leave my toddler and my poor baby alone in the house. My stepfather was at work, and my adopted brother couldn’t babysit them. I couldn’t imagine how my mother treats my children, her grandchildren. Her squandering was terrible that it came to a point where she was not able to catch up with our bills much more so with my tuition. And because of that, I was not able to finish college. I guess my dream to graduate will be just as a dream.
The series of unfortunate events spiraled when my ex-boyfriend came to town. He wanted to see our children. I was running an errand when he arrived. He couldn’t take the two because the little one was sleeping. Instead, he asked my mother to take our eldest child for a while. Much to my surprise, my mother consented to his request. Evening came, but none of them came home. It dawned upon me that my ex-boyfriend has abducted the child from me. I wanted to chase him and take back my daughter, yet I was conflicted about my incapacity to provide for my daughter. I was feeling torn. My heart was throbbing with so much pain.
It was my turning point. Tears fell as I looked at my baby on her hammock, poor little child. I knew I had to do something. I needed to help myself. I had enough of crying and self-pity. I just couldn’t let my adversities get the best of me. I needed to accept life’s bitterness and move forward. I kneeled. I prayed and bitterly wept to God. I confessed my sins and asked Him to forgive me.
I prayed and prayed until an opportunity came. One day, my friend offered me a job abroad. She told me to I apply through an agency which was in Manila. I realized that that was the answer to my prayer. I worked as a Tupperware sales agent to save money for my journey going to Manila. It was so amazing because I felt God’s presence. Selling the products seemed very easy. None of my clients rejected me. All of them bought the products I sell. The money I earned from being an agent paved my way to Manila.
Now that I had enough money to buy a ticket, I was excited about my new adventure. However, I also felt sorry for my baby. Going to Manila would also mean leaving her behind and worse, leaving her to my mother. Though it was painful to leave her, I had to do it for our sake. To ease the pain that I felt, I comforted myself by thinking that our separation was temporary.
Upon reaching Manila, I applied immediately to that agency that my friend referred me to. The agency told me that there would be a placement fee. I didn’t expect it. The placement fee was a little expensive for me, but I was determined to push through for my children’s future. To be able to pay for that fee, I worked part-time again; this time was a waitress. I saw God’s helping hand when I have submitted and surrendered to Him everything. God helped me through my friends in Manila. They provided me food and accommodation. They were so kind that they even told me to keep my earnings from my part-time for my little one back in my hometown. That went on for months until I finally had my deployment schedule.
When I worked in Japan, life became smoother. I was able to provide better for my daughter. After a few months, it was already time for my annual leave. I was excited to see my children. I prepared myself as I would face my ex-boyfriend and estranged daughter. Thrilled yet nervous, I was looking forward to that day. I was confident because I knew that I had custody rights for my daughter. After all, she was taken away from me without my consent. I went to Davao to take my daughter back. It wasn’t easy, of course, my ex-boyfriend didn’t want to give me my daughter. It was one of the most heartbreaking and tearful moments in my life, seeing my ex-boyfriend and daughter for a long time. Many words are unspoken. Finally, I was given permission to take my daughter. She almost didn’t want to come with me, but eventually she did. She grew up thinking that I had given her away, that I loved her less compared to her sister. It broke my heart. It hurts. She was too young to understand what really happened.
My vacation was over. It was time to go back to Japan. One day, I met a guy who got interested in me. I prayed to the Lord for someone to ask my hand, accept me and my children wholeheartedly. Lo, and behold, God answered my prayer. When I told my suitor about my past, he still accepted me. After some time, he proposed to me and, of course, I gladly said yes, a big yes! When it was time to meet his parents, I was nervous. We had dinner, and as I told them about my story, I desperately tried to compose myself but, I couldn’t help myself and burst out crying. Narrating to them my struggles were still painful. There was silence. I was relieved when they showed me signs of acceptance. They welcomed me to their family. Isn’t God amazing? I only asked for a man to accept me, but God gave me more than what I prayed for. Months passed, and we got married in the Philippines. Few more months after, I was able to take my children with me to Japan. My husband adopted my daughters. God didn’t stop blessing me. When my children came to Japan, my in-laws were very excited to see them. They loved my children as their own grandchildren. Things turned out inexplicably well!
God has been so good to me. I couldn’t come this far without His help. He never abandoned me even if I did horrible things in life. He forgave me and gave me too many chances to change. He changed the course of my life. He lifted me when I was at my lowest. He gave me hope when I was hopeless. He strengthened me when I was weak. And above all, I am so thankful that He is my God and my Almighty Father that never ceases in loving me. How great thou art!
