Category: Friendship

breakup, Christian Walk, Faith, Friendship, God, heartache, moving on, Reflections, Relationships, Testimony, True Story, Uncategorized

BEAUTIFUL IN GOD’S EYES

rebekahhime

There had been many instances in my life where I felt insecure. I want to share how God has helped me come to my senses—like literally, to make me understand and change my perspective on how I see myself.

I was an NBSB or No Boyfriend Since Birth for more than twenty years. Throughout those years, I thought to myself, “what is wrong with me?” I ask myself and my friends, “Am I ugly? Am I not pretty enough to attract a guy?” What was more frustrating to me was when my friends and other people tell me these cliché lines:

“You are pretty, but why is it that you’re still single?”
“Maybe you are very picky?”
“You look so stern. Maybe they are intimidated by you. You have to smile always.”
“Maybe your standards are too high.” 
“You look okay, you’re beautiful but why you’re still single, even those who are not that good-looking have boyfriends, why is it that you didn’t have?”

I understand that some of them were just curious. However, their comments add up to my insecurity and wonderment about not having a romantic relationship. Mostly I replied to those who asked me, “Maybe it is not yet time; it could be that they find me intimidating, for which reason I have no idea.”

I was insecure about my appearance. Maybe I was not good enough. Sometimes, I ask my closest friends what could be wrong with me? I also ask God, “What’s wrong with me, Lord? What do I need to do or change?”

Finally, the time came when God allowed me to be in a relationship. However, all of it did not work out. The last relationship I had was the most painful. I deeply loved my ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, he told me that he fell out of love. I had no choice but to let him go. It was painful but I knew that God helped me sever that relationship. The relationship was doomed, to begin with. We were of a different faith. We were not equally yoked. Thus, God closed the door for us for He knew that I would not do anything to end our relationship. God is so good. Despite the pain of the breakup, it was indeed necessary. Sometimes we make our own storm but God being so good is always ready to rescue you. He saved me from the unseen misery that our relationship may bring. There were many times I prayed for our relationship to work but, my prayer was wrong. It was not His will. God must have said that enough is enough and I praise Him for that.

I was broken-hearted and cried out to God all my frustrations, sadness, and the pain of being rejected. I also cried because of His goodness towards me. He delivered me from such a relationship. God protected me from falling any deeper in love, which would equate to more hurt. God is good. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my decisions, yet I praise God for His tender mercies and compassion towards me. By disobeying God, I knew in my heart that I have had hurt Him, the One whose love for me is so profound.

It took me some time to move on. One day, I was in the mall with my friend. I saw many good-looking girls, with very nice figures, and all. When I went home, I talked to God and told Him about my insecurities. In my prayer, I said, “Lord, am I not good enough? Maybe my ex found someone better, prettier, taller, and sexier. Lord, am I ugly? I do not understand, Lord. You said that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But why do I feel so ugly? Why do people reject me?” I fell deep into incertitude, so I reached out to God because I could not bear such overwhelming low self-esteem.

You are very beautiful, very beautiful…”

The night after I prayed, I went to my friend’s home to record a song for our church service. Before heading to their home, we decided to get some treats. As soon as we finished our dessert, we checked out and went. We were halfway to my friend’s house when a guy was chasing us. He was rushing towards us and was calling me out with a loud voice, “Miss! Excuse me, Miss!” I was puzzled. Maybe I might have left some of my belongings in the shop, I thought. We halted and waited for him to catch up. When this guy reached us, he was gasping for air and said politely, “I just wanna tell you that you are very beautiful, very beautiful, he repeated. I was dumbfounded! I was caught off guard. I did not expect that to come out of his mouth. With all respect I replied, “thank you!” And he left just like that. My friend and I were left confused for some time and smiled. Then after a few moments, I remembered my prayer the other night and told my friend about it. I am convinced that that was God’s way of clearing my doubts. His way of encouraging me, through a stranger.

Your feelings are not always the truth...

It seemed like God used that person to tell me that I am not ugly. God assured me that I am very beautiful for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. What happened made me realize that God hears and answers our prayers. He also cares for our feelings. The book of Psalm 34:18 tells us that, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God comforted me with the words that I needed to hear. I could not believe that He used that person to tell me those words that would put an end to my doubts. God understands us more than ourselves. Months passed. I reflected on what the pastor said in his message, saying, “your feelings are not always the truth.” I remembered that incident when I was in despair, feeling dejected, and miserable about myself.

God is so patient in dealing with me. He chastised me and corrected me gently. He broadened my perspective. What God taught me about my experience were the following:

  • Time. God made me realize that there is time for everything. Getting into a relationship is not a race nor of ‘face-value’. Some may have married at a young age, in their thirties, forties, etc. But all are in God’s perfect timing. Allow God to set everything in place in His own time. Before, I used to get pressured because of my family and friends. But now, I have matured enough and learned that God’s timing is different from ours. If there are delays, there must be a reason and purpose behind them. We have to learn how to wait on the Lord and exercise on how to be patient.
  • Relationship. God blesses your relationship if it is according to His will. You will never be truly happy unless you choose God first, including your relationship. Also, we have to ask God if it is His will for you to be single or married.
  • Love. Love is a principle. It is not driven merely by attraction (physical appearance). It is not just a feeling. Love is about God. A speaker once said, “in a relationship, you must have God’s love in you and you should be ready to share that love with your partner.” We do not love on our own, we love because God first loved us. More importantly, God is love. We can only truly love if we know God.
  • God loves you. He loves you so much that He will not let you become miserable. He will save you and deliver you from anything that will eventually hurt you. Jesus is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He knows the future. He knows what would happen if I would continue that relationship.
  • Pray. In prayer, we have to surrender to God everything – our feelings, hurts, pain, happiness, relationships, career, family, plans, and our own will. The scripture tells us, “Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established. (Provers 16:3). God loves to hear and answer our prayers. You may look into these beautiful verses– Psalm 116:1-2 and Psalm 66:19.
  • Our heart is deceitful. In my experience, I was feeling ugly, worthless, and unworthy to be loved. But, it is not always the TRUTH. Many Bible verses contradict such ‘feelings’ such as Jeremiah 31:3, Psalm 139:14; John 3:16, Isaiah 43:4… Oh, so many words of love from God.7. Let God write your love story for you. After all, He is the best author.

I am not an expert on love. But, these are the testimonies and learnings that I could share with you and how God has been patient and good to me. There will be more reflections in our walk of life with our God.

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Christian Walk, Faith, Friendship, Testimony, True Story, Uncategorized

A TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND WHO WAS LIKE AN ANGEL TO ME

rebekahhime

A POWERFUL TESTIMONY: A touching testimony of an angel I came to know, and so blessed that God gave me an opportunity to know someone like her.

Meet my dear Ate Arlene Vigilia. I came to know her through my in-laws when they met her for a missionary trip in Baja, California in Rosarito, Mexico. My mother in law was amazed with her due to her proficiency in their native language, Spanish.

Ate Arlene was an obstetric nurse who had assisted many deliveries in the US and was a certified medical doctor in Mexico. Her father was an Adventist pastor who migrated to the United States together with the whole family when her firstborn sibling petitioned them all. She came from a family of 9, Ate Arlene was the second to the youngest.

She studied Nursing in the United States and at the same time, while working, she took her medical degree in Mexico that helped her to be a very good Spanish conversationalist, both to my in laws and to all her Hispanic patients in the US to think that their language of instruction in Mexico is Spanish. She was a certified and licensed doctor in Mexico. In 2007, she was trying to get a medical license in the United States. She tried twice, but hadn’t got the US Medical license. She stopped trying after the second try and just continue to do her nursing job in Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital in Los Angeles California where she worked until she retired in 2016. Her desire to be a doctor was rooted on her desire to better serve the community where they do mission trips during her younger days. I met her when she was 57 years old already. She never stopped doing her missionary trip from her younger days till she fell ill last year.

A missionary by heart, just like Paul, a tentmaker, she worked her nursing shifts and spends it for missionary purposes. She already had set plans every year on her scheduled mission trips and saves money for those trips. She has been to different parts of the world from America to Asia to do medical missions, church building and outreach programs. With a frugal lifestyle, she supported different ministries both in the US and in the Philippines. One of those is the “It is Written ” ministry and supporting lay pastors in the Philippines. One involvement she had recently, was being a medical director for Uganda of Farmstew.org directed to help the people in Africa. She was fully retired from her job as a nurse in 2016. She dedicated all her time in this ministry where they were inculcating education, water supply building, feeding and health teaching on nutrition and healthy lifestyle. Teaching them how to cook different indigenous vegetables available in their community.

She was a selfless person; whose desire was to help people to draw them to Jesus. I never had dull moments staying in her house. With complete books of Ellen White and nursing, medical health books she has, it was like I was inside a huge library! I remember when she was driving with me going for Mia’s prenatal appointment, she will gaze up to the sky and say, “Elvie, I’m only waiting for Jesus to come.” With gospel music in the car, it felt like Heaven on Earth already. God has prepared the path already before I came to the United States then. I delivered in the hospital where she worked. She was my nurse at home during my labor hour doing internal examinations where she was completely equipped for any emergency home delivery, she drove me to the hospital the at the same time doing her morning shift, she was beside me in the delivery room, she was my postpartum nurse on duty to the hospital, she took me home with her since I lived with her for six months in Norwalk, California.  She was the one driving me back and forth for pre- and postnatal appointments when I had Mia. She helped me to go through the passports of my Mia and Emma, driving back and forth to Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles, California. She fetched me from San Diego to Los Angeles the time I had postpartum hemorrhage for a uterine atony because of overstretching my uterus for my Emma who then weighed 8.3 pounds! She arranged my surgery in the same hospital where I delivered Mia, where she was working at the same time. Since she was working there, the hospital gave me a priority for a surgery the next day and a hospital discount! What a blessing! The concern she had during that time I called regarding the postpartum hemorrhage that she was so worried of, coming from a night shift when I called her that morning, she said that she’ll ask one of our friends, Jennifer, to drive her to fetch me in San Diego since she couldn’t drive 2 hours long due to some car accident that partly debilitated her back to endure a 2-hour drive. I stayed with her for a month till it’s a day before my flight going back to Dubai. She always said that her house is the house of God. Anyone who is a missionary or any one in need of shelter were welcome in her house! She was with me with my first travel back to the Philippines from the US. I’m so blessed how God arranged that trip that she can go for a holiday on the same departure date I have from the US to the Philippines.

I will always have fun memory of her, after her mission trip in Aklan, Philippines in 2008.She spent a week with us in Batangas. she would just get a knife, go to the field, get some fresh vegetables, flowers, anything she can use to make a meal at home. She would cook her fresh harvest and voila! We have instant squash, alugbati, moringa, and saluyot soup fresh from the farm! She was indeed a star chef! Not only that, she taught me about spiritual matters, cooking styles and techniques but also preparing for the future! I remember that when I came back to the Philippines in 2008, I encouraged my parents to get an estate for cemetery. I learned that from my Ate Arlene! She showed me her piece of memorial lot in California, even her Funeral program is ready! She arranged all the programs just for her not to be a burden to her family in time that she needs to rest while waiting for Jesus to come if Jesus will not yet come while she was still alive! That’s how ready she was!

Sadly, at the end of May 2017, she died of breast cancer. Up to now, when I think of her, there is an ache in my heart. I thought that with the healthy lifestyle she had, both body and soul, I could see that she would so much of her future ahead of her, that she would experience a crisp old age. The only thing that I don’t have any gauge of was her mind. She came from a broken marital relationship that time when I came to know her, she was already a year divorced when she got married.  They had no children since she got married when she was 56 years old with her husband who was 16 years junior than her, who then during that time, was working as a lay pastor from another Christian denomination. I can feel her pain every time she tells her story to me. 6 years have passed since the last time I was with her in 2007. Even when she came for a visit in the Philippines in 2008 and 2011 and when I was there in the US in 2012, I could still feel her pain when she talked about her estranged husband. Despite their separation, she still extended her support to the local ministry where her ex-husband was in the Philippines, and she did her medical mission trips in that place every time she visited the Philippines for a vacation. Her heartache doubled when she learned that her ex-husband is going to be married to a Filipina residing in their community in Aklan, Philippines.

Her family in the United States asked me if I knew anything about it or if Ate Arlene told me about any health concerns she had. It was only some fainting spell two weeks before she died that they came to know that she was already in her terminal stage of cancer. Ate Arlene was a very stoic person, she didn’t complain even when she felt any pain in her body. She frequently kept that to herself. Rather to be in the hospital during the last two weeks of her life, she chose hospice care and waited for her time at the house of her sister in Glendale California. I was able to speak to her, that night before she died, and prayed with her. She couldn’t talk anymore as what the family told me that possibly she can’t utter any word to me since she was already not talking to them due to her tremendous pain. But during that night, she spoke in a very soft hoarse voice telling me, “Elvie, don’t cry, don’t cry!”

Just as how my husband describes her, “She was a lady with a big heart!” I’m seeing an awesome angel sent from above every time I think about her. She was very loving, caring and an inspiring angel to me. I don’t look at her as a friend, I look at her as my mother. I even told her that when we retire for good in the Philippines, I invited her to live with us in Batangas and continue to do her mission work there. She was so glad to do her ministry with us. Ate Arlene will forever occupy a space in my heart…

Sadly, she left us, but gladly, she is now resting to wait for what she’s dreaming of every time in a different scenario. No longer waiting, but now, beside our Savior Jesus when He comes. Just like what 1 Corinthians 15: 55,57,58 says:

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Ate Arlene experienced challenges in her life but that did not stop her to dedicate her life for the lost souls, inspire people and encourage so many to look on Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. This verse gave me an assurance that all her labor in the Lord will surely not be in vain… See you ate Arlene, see you in the resurrection morning!